Oh, it’s you again

Trigger warning – this post mentions anxiety and panic attacks in detail.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Comeback Of The Panic Attacks

So there I was, minding my own business in my happy baby bubble, getting the hang of life with a newborn and suddenly there’s a bang, bang, bang from somewhere. Oh, it’s you again. No, not today, thank you. Not now, I said. But in it barged anyway, making its presence known. No, no, no, I said. You’re not welcome here. Tough luck, I don’t care, it replied. And here it was again.

Anxiety

I won’t detail what thoughts and fears I was having at this time as I have already talked about it in my post Anxiety.

When my anxiety came back, it was a horrible shock. I have a baby to care for, and I’m happy; why has the anxiety come back now? I don’t need to have these silly thoughts about things that I can’t actually change or do anything about.

Getting Help

Baby J was about two months old, and I knew that I couldn’t risk getting as bad as I was before, so I made an appointment with my doctors. I went in there and explained the issue to him, and do you know what he said? Yes, everyone has this fear; no one wants to die. I suggest that you talk to someone spiritual. He filled out a prescription for some anti-anxiety tablets, and that was the end of my appointment. I was furious when I came out. I had tried to explain to him that I understood what he was saying, but this fear took over my life. He couldn’t have cared less, and I felt extremely let down.

I also gave my health visitor a call and explained how I felt. She came out a few days later, and we put an action plan into place. I was referred to iTalk and arranged a phone assessment with them for a few weeks time. My health visitor would continue to visit me monthly for the next few months. Me and Daz also arranged a little caravan holiday for the next month so that we had something to look forward to.

Panic Attacks

In the meantime, though, things were getting worse with my anxiety. I felt like I was on edge most days and felt jittery. I was also starting to have panic attacks again. Trying to have a panic attack quietly, so you don’t wake your sleeping baby is not easy. Some days, I just wanted to pick Baby J up in my arms and run screaming out of the house so that I couldn’t hear my own voice in my head.

I would visit my mum so that I had some company and someone to help take my mind off everything, but my mind would never be entirely switched off from it. I was struggling to go to sleep at night, so I would just stay awake, playing games on my phone so that I was distracted from my own head. The only trouble with that is that as soon as I would be ready to fall asleep, Baby J would usually wake and want a feed.

I had a horrendous panic attack on one awful day and broke down in tears. I had to call Daz at work, which I’ve never had to do before. He wanted to come home and look after me, but just talking to him had calmed him down, and I was able to carry on with my day.

The Holiday

A few weeks later, it was time for our little caravan holiday. I had been really looking forward to this, and my anxiety had started to subside. We packed up the car and set off; everything was fine. We stopped at the service station to stretch our legs and give Baby J a feed. Before we left, I popped to the ladies, and a strange sensation came over me. I was gripped with fear and panic. I started having a panic attack. There was no way out of these feelings and my fear. I was going to be like this forever. I tried to calm down, but I just wasn’t able to. Unfortunately, this set the tone for the whole holiday.

I was a horrible jittery mess for the whole holiday. I felt sick and on edge the entire time. Nothing would take my mind off my anxiety. We constantly had the iPad on, playing episodes of ‘Benidorm’. (I adore this program and having it on really calms me down. Does anyone else have a random tv show or film that helps them like this??) We went for daily walks down to the beach and went to the arcades, but it was always on my mind.

The Worst Panic Attack I’ve Ever Had

Then I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had. I was in the shower, and it just came on suddenly. I couldn’t see any escape. There was no way out. We were all going to die one day, and then what would happen to us? Where was the end of the time? I couldn’t comprehend it and couldn’t focus on anything else at that moment. I was utterly overwhelmed. The anxiety had taken everything, and I was only left with fear. I jumped out of the shower, gibbering with panic and crying. Daz had Baby J, so I grabbed a towel and tried to leave the caravan. I had to get out, I felt trapped with my anxiety, and I needed to get out. Daz grabbed hold of me to stop me from leaving, but I tried to get out of his grasp. I couldn’t keep still; I had to keep moving. He cuddled me in, and I fell to the floor, crying my eyes out. I couldn’t take this anymore.

The Answer?

Later that afternoon, we all took a walk along the seafront. Whilst walking, me and Daz were talking about my anxiety, and he said to me, “when I die, I die, and that’s it. I won’t know I’m dead.” For some reason, this resonated with me and completely calmed me down. It was almost like I had my answer, and I could relax. On the last day of the holiday, I finally could chill out a little bit, and I actually felt free. I didn’t need to worry anymore. (This hasn’t actually resolved my anxiety, and I still have the thoughts, although not as bad).

It makes me really sad that my anxiety was so bad for this holiday as it was Baby J’s first holiday, and looking at the photos makes me think of the awful panic attack. I’m trying to disassociate my anxiety with the holiday, though, so that when I look at the photos, I can remember some of Baby J ‘firsts’ and not how I was feeling.

Starting Therapy

Once we returned from our holiday, I had my iTalk telephone consultation. I was also referred to a mum support group called Knowing Me, Knowing you (I had the leaflet on my fridge for a few weeks, and every time I went to the fridge, I would get the damn song stuck in my head. It was almost enough to stop me from going to the fridge. Almost).

Even though I was feeling much better, I still went ahead to the Knowing Me, Knowing You (aha. Damn it!) group as I knew that there was a chance that I could relapse. Going to the group was one of the best decisions that I made. Talking about my issues with other mums made it all so much more normal, and I also made some lovely new mum friends who have helped me so much more than they realise.

Once the Knowing Me, Knowing You group had finished, I started my six week CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) with iTalk.

And Now….

I’ve now finished all of my therapy and still taking my anti-anxiety tablets and making sure that I look after my mental health. I’m currently doing much better than before, but I do still have some wobbles, which is to be expected. I am so glad that I reached out and asked for help and support as soon as I was feeling anxious again as I was able to get the help I needed. I dread to think how bad I could have got if I hadn’t.

Anxiety has sometimes taken over my life, but I’m really trying hard to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. It’s already taken so much, and I don’t want to give it any more. I’m not giving it the power.

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