I’m talking about something that has been playing on my mind an awful lot recently – Do I want another baby? If you have been following my blog for a while now, you will know that Darren and I struggled to get pregnant. To help us conceive, I ended up having to take Clomid, but I won’t go into the story of that again.
I think I just assumed that I would have a large family. I have 3 siblings. The age difference between the eldest and the youngest is 17 years, so as you can imagine, the family home has always been very loud and busy! Never a quiet moment at mums house! In fact, when I moved out for the first time I couldn’t believe how quiet it was, it was so strange.
All of my siblings have children and the current tally of nieces and nephews, just on my side, is 10. So yeah, Christmas and birthdays have been known to get a little busy.
I think because of this, I just assumed that I would follow suit in having a few babies. But, my body had other ideas and getting pregnant was a struggle. We started trying for a baby when I was 26, and I gave birth when I was 30. Going by a ‘timeline’ that I didn’t realise that I had set, I felt like I should have been having my second by then, not my first.
I Adored Becoming A Mum
I loved being pregnant (even if I did panic a lot!) and becoming a mum. It felt so natural. What I did not love, however, was the recovery after childbirth. I was NOT prepared for what was going to happen to my body after giving birth. I struggled. And once all that had passed, I was then hit with my anxiety and had to go back on Sertraline. It was a SUPER tough time for me and something that I still feel like I’m recovering from now, almost 3 years later.
So why am I talking about all of this now? Because more recently, my anxiety has been taking over again. Daz is doing an amazing job of supporting me, but life can still be tough. Because of all the fertility issues we faced, I have not been on any contraception since I gave birth. But I think it might be time to go back on it.
Can I face going through recovery of childbirth again? I know some women do it 10 times, but I’m not those women. Can I risk having my mental health go down the toilet again? Parenting whilst suffering from depression or anxiety is no easy feat.
On the other hand, if I go on contraception and decide that I actually do want another child, will it be too late? What if we face fertility problems again? What then?
Do I want Little J to be an only child? Will he be lonely? I (mostly) love having siblings. Is he missing out because of my selfish reasons?
However, being an only child means he gets ALL of my and his dads attention. Travelling and holidays will be easier. We can afford to spend a little more on him for birthdays and Christmases.
It’s a constant battle in my mind at the moment about what I should do? Do I want another baby? And the thing is, there is no easy answer.
I am so thankful to have Little J. He is the miracle that I thought I would never have. For now, though, I know what I need to do. It really wasn’t an easy decision to come to, but I need to put myself first.
And anyway, who knows what the future holds?