I’m talking about something that has been playing on my mind an awful lot recently – Do I want another baby? If you have been following my blog for a while now, you will know that Darren and I struggled to get pregnant. To help us conceive, I ended up having to take Clomid, but I won’t go into the story of that again.
I think I just assumed that I would have a large family. I have 3 siblings. The age difference between the eldest and the youngest is 17 years, so as you can imagine, the family home has always been very loud and busy! Never a quiet moment at mums house! In fact, when I moved out for the first time I couldn’t believe how quiet it was, it was so strange.
All of my siblings have children and the current tally of nieces and nephews, just on my side, is 10. So yeah, Christmas and birthdays have been known to get a little busy.
I think because of this, I just assumed that I would follow suit in having a few babies. But, my body had other ideas and getting pregnant was a struggle. We started trying for a baby when I was 26, and I gave birth when I was 30. Going by a ‘timeline’ that I didn’t realise that I had set, I felt like I should have been having my second by then, not my first.
I Adored Becoming A Mum
I loved being pregnant (even if I did panic a lot!) and becoming a mum. It felt so natural. What I did not love, however, was the recovery after childbirth. I was NOT prepared for what was going to happen to my body after giving birth. I struggled. And once all that had passed, I was then hit with my anxiety and had to go back on Sertraline. It was a SUPER tough time for me and something that I still feel like I’m recovering from now, almost 3 years later.
So why am I talking about all of this now? Because more recently, my anxiety has been taking over again. Daz is doing an amazing job of supporting me, but life can still be tough. Because of all the fertility issues we faced, I have not been on any contraception since I gave birth. But I think it might be time to go back on it.
Can I face going through recovery of childbirth again? I know some women do it 10 times, but I’m not those women. Can I risk having my mental health go down the toilet again? Parenting whilst suffering from depression or anxiety is no easy feat.
On the other hand, if I go on contraception and decide that I actually do want another child, will it be too late? What if we face fertility problems again? What then?
Do I want Little J to be an only child? Will he be lonely? I (mostly) love having siblings. Is he missing out because of my selfish reasons?
However, being an only child means he gets ALL of my and his dads attention. Travelling and holidays will be easier. We can afford to spend a little more on him for birthdays and Christmases.
It’s a constant battle in my mind at the moment about what I should do? Do I want another baby? And the thing is, there is no easy answer.
I am so thankful to have Little J. He is the miracle that I thought I would never have. For now, though, I know what I need to do. It really wasn’t an easy decision to come to, but I need to put myself first.
And anyway, who knows what the future holds?
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Cover Photo by Paige Cody on Unsplash
10 comments
It’s so hard isn’t it! My babe is only 5 months and something I’ve been thinking about. I probably would if I didnt have morning sickness. I was SO ILL for so long and cant imagine that again while actually having a child to look after! At least I could lay in bed or on the sofa last time around and it was still horrific. I also had a traumatic birth tough recovery. I still am in a lot of pain in many ways! Being pregnant was just horrific, wish i was one of these women who had lovely pregnancies but that was just not me!
Corinne x
Oh my goodness, sounds like you had a really tough time! ❤️❤️
Being pregnant is hard enough but I can’t image having to look after a toddler at the same time!
A very honest post. I think there is a lot of pressure to have more than one child. I have just one and I work with a friend who has one and for us both, it was enough. Completely and we are unapologetic in this and have very different reasons for choosing to have one child.
Children are absolutely a blessing no matter how many we choose to have. You will know what is right for you and you are right in wanting to protect your wellbeing x
You’re right, I feel like there is pressure to have more than one child. I do feel completely blessed to have my son but I just don’t know if my family feels complete yet? I don’t know if I’ll ever know? ❤️
What an incredibly candid and open post. I loved reading this, in fact I’ve re-read three times and found myself getting tearful!
Rosie
Thank you so much. It’s such a difficult decision to make and I just have no idea what the best thing to do is? 💜
Oh lisa this is such a beautiful frank article. I felt very emotional reading this. All I want as your mother in law is for you to be happy. That is all that matters you being healthy happy safe. Little J will not miss out 🥰
Thank you so much Marion. It’s such a difficult situation. I am so happy with my little family of 3 but will another one complete us? I just don’t know xx
Whatever happens, happens. If you choose to go for another, do it because it’s the right thing for your family not because we’re supposed to have 2-3 kids.
Once upon a time, I wanted 5. Himself wanted 2. As it turned out we both got our way with two boys from 5 pregnancies. Despite the hole left by boy3, our family is the right size – his hole is part of our family and another baby wouldn’t fill it in. Does that make sense?
If you decide that a family of 3 is what suits you, then that’s right. If you feel like there’s space for another, then that’s right.
Sending hugs as I know its a tough decision, especially when you’re worried it might not be simple once the decision is made.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I am so sorry about your losses ❤️ Sometimes I am so happy with just the 3 of us and sometimes I worry that we’ll leave it too late and have the decision taken out of our hands. How do you know what’s the right thing to do? xx